This is Me


Why do I love to be disliked , hated and looked down of me  by others 

I tried to analyze this : 

I need excitement and any excitement to stay out of “ennui” :  a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from lack of occupation or excitement. 

I  “like” to be disliked and hated because it gives to some extent  “thrill” or “high”. 

From childhood , I was being ridiculed , punished and this has creeped  as a part of my personality and an element of sadism.

I have realized that my Innate satisfaction come from my  sense of self-sufficiency despite being disliked , hated .  I am uneasy , when people appreciate me . I love to be stay in my mental cocoon with my own vagaries , 

My sense of worth doesn't come from other people although I strive hard to emulate them - do copy and paste only to make myself gratified in my own yardstick 

I also find enjoyable that I make people powerless to take that pleasure away from me despite me being disliked and hated . 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

10cc gulp and 24 hour high

I never had so much high in such a small dosage. Cough syrups do give you more punch and last more time than any alcoholic drink. I thought Benedryl topped that list till I had Dhasedyl yesterday. The sticker on the plastic bottle said ' Take 10cc three times a day, May cause drowsiness '. I had one dose of 10cc previous night and effects are still lingering. I didnt have courage to take two more doses. I didnt knock out immediately but did sleep well . When I woke up, I was groggy, listless and void of energy. The feeling continued through out the day. By evening I felt ravenous. I kept wondering what's so special about 'Dhasedyl' that uprooted my mental equilibrium. I had to know about this drug that so quickly and efficiently smothered my month old persistant cough and cold within a night but crippled and numbed my alertness and made me feel like a seasoned druggist. As I searched on ' Dhasedyl ' I read about its sideffects and the following experience o...
Read more

Rabbit and Tortoise story in Marathi musical

幼いころに母が歌ってくれた童謡 ससा तो ससा की कापूस जसा त्याने कासवाशी पैज लाविली वेगेवेगे धावू नि डोंगरावर जाऊ ही शर्यत रे अपुली चुरुचुरु बोले तो तुरुतुरु चाले नि कासवाने अंग हलविले ससा जाई पुढे नि झाडामागे दडे ते कासवाने हळू पाहीयले वाटेत थांबलेना कोणाशी बोललेना चालले लुटुलुटु पाही ससा हिरवी हिरवी पाने नि पाखरांचे गाणे हे पाहुनिया ससा हरखला खाई गार चारा, घे फांदीचा निवारा तो हळूहळू तेथे पेंगुळला मिटले वेडे भोळे, गुंजेचे त्याचे डोळे झाडच्या सावलीत झोपे ससा झाली सांज वेळ तो गेला किती काळ नि शहारली गवताची पाती ससा झाला जागा तो उगा करी त्रागा नि धाव घेई डोंगराच्या माथी कासवा तेथे पाही ओशाळला मनी होई "निजला तो संपला" सांगे ससा penned by Shantaram Nandgaonkar wonder who is the music director. I love the tempo of this song
Read more

Madhav Julian and Indiver -प्रेमस्वरुप आई and Zindgi Ka Safar

When I hear this poetry of Madhav Julian sung by Lata - my eyeballs swell with a blob - as the poem reaches mid way. A fabulous rendition that seems to have bled through damaged heart of this man. Tears don’t come that easily to me. That prerogative belong to Rajesh Khanna in Hindi movies of Anand Amar Prem and Dharmendra in Satyakam . In this poem too tears don’t come because I miss my mother or think of her from a distant land. This poem resurrects a character who has raised in orphanage and became successful to get all the comforts and accolades that a man can strive for. Yet he has remained empty in his heart without the existence of his mother। He doesnt remember her face as she has left long before she made any imprint on his life. Today is my mother’s birthday and I thought it would be appropriate to write about this poem. There is another song – rather second stanza of the song – penned by Indiver in movie Safar also evokes similar anguish। Here the...
Read more