Sunday, July 15, 2007

Who do you marry ?

A decision paramount to most people in their life time . A lot of possibilities gets thrown at this question. Marry someone you love, Marry with whom you are friend with, Marry with whom you share philosophy or Marry someone who is tuned with your cultural and work ethos.

David LeVine, the director of Warm Wisdom Press, says. Never get married because you’re in love. This may sound crazy and weird but I tend to agree with his views.

If we look at our own life, we can observe how many times we have been in love . Timespan of love endurance may be different but every time, we were in love – it was intense, pure and genuine– at that moment of time. But what we termed ‘love’ then, it wasn’t love today. Was it attraction, infatuation or sheer physical liking ? all depended on the state of mind prevailing then.

David says, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning. Chemistry – physical attraction – is not something to be ignored. But a deeply loving relationship based on mutual respect cannot stand on chemistry alone. That can only happen with someone whose character you can value and appreciate.”I agree when he says, the only way to have a lasting relationship is to really look at the quality of the person you’re seeking as a prospective marital partner. This means, one should seek for specific character traits, both positive and negative.

He states : The top four qualities to look for are humility, kindness, responsibility and happiness.

Humility. What is humility? Well, it is not being a doormat. Letting people walk all over you is not necessarily a sign of humility. It’s a sign of weakness. Humble people are not weak. Humble people want to do the right thing rather than their thing, and that takes a lot of confidence and inner strength. Someone who is humble will put values above convenience. They can accept criticism without being defensive, because they’re committed to personal growth rather than to comfort. A humble person will not get angry easily, because they don’t feel that anybody owes them anything. That’s the reason they also tend not to be materialistic.

Now, you may think that the above description applies only to angels. And it would be a mistake to narrow your search down to someone who has mastered all of the above qualities that go along with humility. Nobody’s perfect. But you should look for someone who values humility and is striving to achieve it. At the very least, ask yourself if the person you’re dating is arrogant. You definitely do not want to marry an arrogant person who feels that people owe him or her the world.

Kindness. Kindness is more than just being a nice person. If you ask most engaged couples if their intended spouse is kind, they’ll probably say yes. But the divorce rate is over 50%. If everybody is so kind, then why is the divorce rate so high? Because although people think that they’re kind, they really lack a depth of kindness.

So, what’s kindness? Being a kind person means being a giver, someone who’s committed to giving pleasure and minimizing other people's pain. If two people like this get married, they are much less likely to suffer serious problems in their relationship. That’s because each one is dedicated to the other’s well-being.

How do you know if someone is truly a kind person? Look at how they treat the other people in their lives. How do they treat their parents, siblings and grandparents? Do they feel a sense of gratitude to their parents? If not, what makes you think they’ll feel any sort of gratitude towards you after you’re married?

Watch how they treat the "little people" towards whom they have no obligations – waiters, busboys, doormen, secretaries. How do they treat their employees? What’s their business reputation like? Are they ruthless? Does the person you’re dating do volunteer work? If not, do they give charity? If the answer to both questions is no, that isn't a good sign. Do they drive courteously? What happens when they drink, when they lose control a little bit? How do they act?

Take note of the answers to these questions. Write them down so that you’ll have a whole picture in front of you when you need to make a decision about whether or not to continue a relationship.

Responsibility. First thing, ask yourself: Is this person irresponsible? If the answer is yes, be careful. You do not want to marry an irresponsible person. If your first, off the cuff answer is no, then check them out. Do they have a stable work history? Do they have stable friendships? Do they have long-term friendships, or do they need to move around a lot? Ask yourself: Can you rely on this person? Do you feel safe and secure with them? Another good question is to ask yourself is if you can trust what the other person says. Do they stand behind what they say? Do they live up to their commitments?

Happiness. You might be stumped on that one. Since when is happiness a character trait? That all depends on how you define happiness. A happy person is someone who is basically content, who focuses on what they have, not on what they don’t have.

Life has no guarantees. Anyone can be dealt a hard blow. But a person who is internally happy will be able to get past life’s obstacles, whereas someone who is constantly focused on the negative will have a much harder time. And you want to be married to someone who can smile at life.

So remember: Never get married just because you’re in love - focus on character, not on chemistry. Look for a quality person to share your life with, someone humble, kind, responsible and happy.

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Anonymous aaditya said...

good blog you have there. loved your writngs.

2:44 PM  
Blogger Prats said...

so well said.....

1:43 AM  

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